Chapter ONE – water brakes

The Time is up                                                                                                                  Well, the time was up two weeks ago, and since that point we have been counting minutes,expecting waters to break as most young parents do when expecting a child.  Gosh, the math of it makes us all impatient and wired, electric, like the air just before the storm on the beautiful summer day, and such a gorgeous day it was. Early  hours of the day, early summer,  early years of our lives we were, and the air was sweet and delicious, with the gentle breeze coming through the wide open windows in our top floor attic flat, almost at the top of the hill in crouch end of north London, with the awesome view on Alexandra Palace, and life was good, apart from the four floors of steps for a nine months pregnant woman.                                             I did what I could to help and ease the journey.                                              As a young parents to be, we want our child to come out naturally, like most parents would, and two weeks is the end line, after the classic nine months, that a child can procrastinate its way from inside, out. I do wonder what is the decision mechanism?                                                                                                  Of course; it’s nice and cosy there, summer all the way , as its 36 degrees inside ,and that blissful weightlessness, little tight in space if you ask me, but we do make our choices, and since overly excessive extra time  is considered dangerous , mothers are induce to aid the birth process.

A Hormone called Syntocinon (synthetic Oxytocin, the hormone that you feel when you are happy) is being administered through the drip, and we of course preferred natural way, so I tough I give invitational speech to my son as I often did talk to him, whilst massaging Aisha’s growing belly as much as the rest of her beautiful body.

In here I might add that ever since the first kick which marks the middle of the pregnancy more or less, and  the ultrasound scan that is often set around that time, seeing the midwife how she touched the belly, and how deep into the belly she pushed her fingers, saying; Ohh there it is ,his little fist, and than by grabbing my hand she invite me to have the first touch of my unborn yet Son, I have Realized that not only is not dangerous, as some people seem to think, some are even afraid of it, but it’s good for all three of us. Holly trinity

For the mother; Touch is a beautiful sensation, and doing so aids the skins elasticity, so the stretch marks don’t appear, and obviously massage, the ultimate exercise of the “one of the seven wonders of the world”, is Healing for both; the hands that do it and the body below them. Try it!!   It’s a Free Pleasure and she will love you more.

For the baby; the touch and the voice gives the child the experience of connection, safety and welcome, and they Do remember. Children do recognize the voice of the father as they have heard it through out the nine months pregnancy and before, and the Mothers voice it’s obvious. With voices vibration they do not recognize they seem to become uneasy and sometimes cry. Fell safe mechanism.

For the father; This is the Woman you Fell in Love with, you Love,  you desire, the person that you desired so much, in so many ways before you broke the ice of shyness, insecurity, or whatever there was that you had to face and overcome! Well done. And now that she is there she wants you to touch her. So oil your hands and get on with it. So much of that pleasure was running through your imagination before you got together, I am sure, and now is the time to enjoy fully all of this wishful thinking. It is as well preventative measure not to see the stretch marks, so the body stays as beautiful as it can be, so you, the man can enjoy it even more than she does. Every touch based exercise rises up your level of happiness (Oxytocin) and connection. I’m not sure what the connection’s chemical equivalent is yet but, Nothing else really matters that much. In the end all that people regret is that they connect more with the Loved Ones More, and that’s a thought to remember. It’s not what you think you are but what you do, that defines you. She is your canvas and massage is a painting of happiness. Off you go. (Giggles)

Back in the flat, all of us waiting as I get on with my welcome speech;

Hey little one I said; (We have not had the name ready)

We are all here waiting for you, we have been waiting here for little over two weeks now. My mother is here with two of my younger brothers and Aisha’s mother with younger brother and sister, that came week earlier than my family, and we getting slightly impatient as we gathered here to welcome you to this World, in this life, where there is so many beautiful things to see, enjoy, smell, taste and touch, and because you can’t stay there forever. The doctors said you have two extra weeks to make you mind up and the time is up.

Whilst doing so I did my routine; massage the belly with very oily hands followed by sound massage using didgeridoo. It is a hollow tree trunk, often decorated with animal paintings that came from Australia and have been used long before the rise of the white dominant civilization by the native people, Aborigines, to play on in tribal gatherings to connect people with nature, give thanks to life and sing songs as a prayer for the rain.

I got the response!!!!

Within five minutes the belly started moving, and slowly we could see rise of an elbow, than four little dots that we have seen before, a cute little sign of a closed fist, and then another, and another, and the final blow that made the nine and a half months old bubble pop.

Both Grannies to become, our mum’s, were there so there was no reason to panic, and calmly we gave happy cheer and we called the cab, packed the hospital bag and begun our decent through four floors of steps.

It took a while, but there were a lot of happy hands to help.

Smooth and slowly we got ourselves into the back seat of a cab, with Aisha’s mother in front and the journey to the Euston hospital begun. What a journey it was.

The vehicle was an old car, not common in London, a Russian Wolga, and despite the fact that this was my second year of being here , and my English wasn’t fluent enough per say, was clear to us that the driver to, was from eastern Europe.

Euston hospital please;

Noo Prooobliem, said the driver, with Cyrillic twang that is so characteristic in English with eastern languages.   Made us giggle straight away.

Before Aisha and I met, I moved a lot within central and north London, and changing jobs often thought me well London’s geography, and my mother’s  genetic  inheritance gave me such a good sense of orientation  that I never felt lost in my life,,, at least geographically. Always found my way easy, therefore very quickly came to my attention that the driver does not know the way,(those days were before times of GPS in common use) and since My attention was on Aisha and our son, on the breathing, in the moment, and not on the road, we got lost three times, witch with the drivers broken English with eastern accent and assuring sweetness in his voice, we didn’t mind so much as we laughed a lot on the way, all four of us, that includes our son.

At least it seemed that way or I hope it was. Happy mother happy child (* it does seem to be the pattern there. It is the law of attraction. There is an exception to any rule, for those that want to argue the point, and there always is one. Yes

With each time we seemed to be going different direction, there would be some quiet mumbling coming from the driver, then I would correct the way, and we would hear another : No Prooobliem, another way of laughter would fill the vehicle, which in effect would cause belly contraction, than little pause and characteristic to birthing accelerated breathing,

Whhooo whhhoooo whhoooo whhooo whhoo whhooo wsssssssssshh             and giggles again.

We were in tears at some point.

It was a funny journey. It took a while, but we got there. Yay!


                                                      Chapter Two

                                                             I SEE

If I would want to pin point where it all begun, it would have to be a “Big Bang”

But four and a half billion years later, on the beautiful planet Earth, on the island called England, in the capital city of it, London, in the center  by Tottenham Court road tube station, there was little venue called Cool Eddy,, witch no longer exists.

Eddy was a little guy from Thailand, perhaps hi wasn’t little among his people, but hi was running the club with deep house and techno music, very likable by us at the time.  Us, means my friend, Ralph and I, and we were there most weekends, during the end of my first year in London.

There I met Aisha.

First we met Be.  Aisha’s younger sister.

She was a bartender there and since there was a note of difference about her, we liked each other straightaway. What was so different there; we didn’t talk about money first as it seem to be the pattern with a lot of my dear country fellows, and it seemed refreshing to start conversation any otherwise. It took a whole, hmmmm, sentence to worked out that we were both polish, well perhaps eastern buy with undoubtedly strong  accent, with ever so slightly broken vocabulary, after only nine or so months in England, as we later on have discovered of one another. It seemed we came to London roughly same time. Some, quite a few things seemed coincidental time wise, taste wise, and life approach wise… But were they?

That night, like any other nights, we got there early. I do like a bit of the “usual” club routine. The same place, the same people, at least some of them, the same time, like back in the day before the phones were in everyday use people would make date and time and stuck to it, so we knew  where to find each other unlike now days we’ve lost the patience and keep calling, texting, pinning, asking where, when, and often still don’t know, like lost in space-time. Slightly Disturbing.

So, there we are, loud music is pumping the steady bit, nice and gentle,,,, techno music, DJ is warming up, people start arriving, one by one getting through the door, and as they do we nod , smile, wave and say hello, hug and kiss as people do when they are happy to see each other and as my eyes wonder around the crowd on the dance floor, my gaze freezes for a moment. There she is. She walks in, goes straight to the bar as if to order a drink. Pretty normal behavior one should think but this time was different.

She was pregnant, like pregnant with a biggg belly.

And that raised judgment in my mind, as to what pregnant woman is doing in a night club.                                                                                                                    Gosh we are so quick to judge where truth often is so much more simple, and sometimes much more exciting that the occurring assumption. Being young myself o thought  judgment is necessary sometimes, it is a perspective, a pin point so to speak, and it gives way to a question,  providing there is an inquisitive mind, and since we, Ralph and I, were sitting in the sofa watching the spectacle of the party time growing, I have turned my head to the left in order to face him and speak to his ear as the music was pumping out loud, to ask an opinion as boys do in the night out,  and I said;

Look at the girl by the bar. So lovely, I like her but she is pregnant! What a pregnant Woman is doing in the night club?

His face was pointed that way so Hi must have just flick his eyes to the direction pointed as the answer came almost instantaneous.

Nice, but she isn’t pregnant!

With disbelief I look back at her and paused, like everything paused. Time seems to stop.

What I have seen there a moment ago, simply, just wasn’t there, and instead of a pumping music i heard loud and clear sound of a big gong. Gong is a big flat disc designed and made in china several millennia ago, curved around the edges to maintain the depth of the sound. The sound kept ringing in silence for some time it seemed, like something out of time.

Was it a vision, a sign, a message or I was just imagining this?

That’s the judge mental talking asking where to place this, in the scope of things.

On the Heart level, I knew. It was a message addressed to me.

I fell in love once before in a similar manner. It was about six years before this moment. Middle of a summer, gorgeous day, early afternoon, I’m sitting by the little cafe on the side of the basketball pitch of neighboring school, sipping some lemonade, and here she comes, gorgeous little angel, smiling at the bunch of sweaty boys after a basketball  mach, saying hello to each one of us, which was super polite and generous from such a gorgeous girl like she was, and when she looked at me and into my eyes, the reality vanished into a bright white space full of sparkles, butterflies, rainbow fireworks, unicorns, pixies, faeries and angels, and just us two as humans, and in this glowing presence she said:  Hi

I’ve mastered enough strength to produce enough vibration to respond;

Hi Agi.

And that was that.

I knew she had just missed all of the spectacle of higher vibration, and slowly walked away, living me with, what must of look like big grin across my young spotty face, but inside it had filled my existence with the touch of pure love and rather beautiful visuals that have shown and thought me a lot, and still vibrates today as a beautiful flower that does not die in the winter time. My wise heart knew that it was one way feel and didn’t get attached to the person, instead I’m being grateful it happened. It is me who felt the love, I felt uplifted, little like a better human.

Or otherwise she just didn’t fancy me, yet in the deep I still love her,  Blah blah blah

So six years later in the night club in central London, I’m sitting on the sofa and this belly on the beautiful woman appears to my eyes and then it’s gone. My prayers have been answered.

It was my Son.

My boy said; Hello Daddy, I’d like her as my Mamma. Can you please make it happen?

Crystal clear to my perception. She was ans is a beautiful woman and as the vision have passed, I looked up, as if to the heavens it seem, not expecting anything anymore as something happened just now anyway, and with a big grin on my face I said; I hear you boy, sure i will.  It almost felt like we were holding hands at that point.

Moment later she turn around and walked out of the venue. didn’t even noticed me, and as she left I jumped of the sofa,  calmly rush to the bar with the obvious question to Be; who was that?

The answer to my question have buttered the toast of joy.

That was my sister said Be, Aisha

Uffffffff  came out of me as I melted

I can’t recall anything else from that night after that.

Two weeks later we were living together. Is there a point of writing any more in here?

Yes there is.

                                                        Chapter Three


Can you keep a secret. Could I or should I have?

I did. I had to. Had no other choice it seemed but “Sharing is caring” people say these days so I wanted to try. It felt appropriate to do so.

Perhaps It could have sounded sharp, or overly certain as one could sound when very sure of something, when I tried to share my vision from the venue, but the memory of me saying it, looks and sounds nice and decent. That is of course freshly past teenage young man’s level of emotional expression skill, based on post communist education that I ran from as soon as I had a chance.  From my part, it was an attempt to express something inner, something that we do not express much or talk about, like a dream or longing, often the very thing we spend life time protecting because of shyness, or pain that comes from trauma done by someone who did not listen well enough. Fear, one way or the other.

In the dream I have seen our families coming over, all the joy that the pregnancy have brought to our lives, I have seen the hospital, I was shown the birth process and most of all i have seen myself assisting throughout the delivery, and being the one to receive this little being into this beautiful world. I woke up with the tears in my eyes and cried alone for moment, listening to the morning bird song, as we were living next to little green square in Camden town borough. Aisha was at work as she did keep part time cafe job in little Moroccan tee room  walking distance from home. she did so till eight month. All the staff including the owners were very friendly and happy for us.

later on as i have read and listen peoples stories from the lonely pensioners or some from moments before they die, and there is a documentary about it called “Grief Walker”, absolute  most, regret not spending  enough time with their loved ones , not sharing their emotions  earlier, not expressing  their love and affection more, all the things we wish and strive for;

cuddles!  Being Held, Feeling the Hold, Connection.

So there and then,in our bedroom, six weeks into the pregnancy, for the very first time actually, i have tried the share my dream on the subject, and the vision from the club that have made the whole thing spinning, and it did seem appropriate and fair. And Yes, I was certain. I was certain I would want to ask the doctor or the midwife, permission to be allowed to receive my son out of his mother at birth. Gosh!  Wouldn’t you?  Some of us, men, did and more and more do now days. Excellent!

Well done to All that had the Privilege, will and patience to do so.

Upon my arrival to this planet, in the space of my birth, it wasn’t allowed for the man to be in the same room that his birth giving wife/partner, I was told. That’s how upside down the mentality had become. Then again, some man will not want to attend the birth, Some will faint by the shear look of it, some even dread the thought of it. That seems to be the line between dads and fathers, Boys and Man. I don’t mean to diss anyone here, but we chose where we stand in any given situation.

That is the gift of free will. Our response

There are some that had not been allowed despite their desire. I do know your pain, I feel it. I have listen so many stories as such, hence the reason I ‘am writing this book. The sound of laughter will heal the wounds of that trauma.

Be strong. You know you are.

Bless you

There are some that despite their willingness and desire are put in the position away from the loved ones, in the name of the law. It hurts thinking about it. It’s harmful to the child. Please consider.  The only things that are in between mother and father are the things we are thinking of. They pass like the gust of wind, and can be solved with a bit of patience and oxygen. Breathe.

But here this is My Dream

I dream about it for years. Seven years to be more or less precise.

I prayed for a son so I can live happy life, enjoy the gift of time with this little beautiful being, being free and playful and don’t have to comply to post communist catholic pathological and alcoholic Dogmas, that always seemed to me to be out of place, heart and intuition.

Where I’m from we were not that good on communication. There was and in some places still is, a lot of pretend understanding and nodding but it feels like there is a gap.   I know, I know; is a common response where reality is the opposite in the contrary to the evidence, and often is the end of a conversation.  Now, I’m not quite sure as to where is “where”. If it’s my family, the hood, town, country, the social level, or simply the times. It could have just as well been me.

I’m alive, capable, and fully functional and my dreams have shown me pictures, ideas that have paved a way for me to create my reality”. That was, and still is my mantra. Mantra is a prayer. Unlike religion expressing guilt and demand, mantra consists words of gratitude, compassion, faith, focus, and persistence in doing so, using varies methods of producing sounds and overtones, which are harmonic sounds of every note, building an excellent awareness of what sound is, like.

Thank you dear water for the gift of your existence, your life giving power and the joy you bring with every contact on skin. thank you for the force you are in breaking the obstacles and calmness upon every breath of every living creature.

Fits the description of the God in christian religion, does it not?

This is my shower prayer.  do you like it?

I remember communism. There was a lot of “ being told” and questioning was frowned upon, to say the list, ever present secrecy and fear of punishment, however;  One’s only task here, as it seems to be, is to brake any chains and shackles that ground us in uncertainty, fear of the unknown, shame and guilt. Spread the wings and fulfill yourself.  We all have them. No exception.

This is my perception of all of this and it’s open to disagreement

So there is me, trying to share something, to open my heart and express my desire, and in this case more than desire, the vision and the dream.  Something that was more real than anything I’ve come across, the connection.

Got shouted at for being egoistic and stupid, many inappropriate names came out,  got kicked and slapped in the face, and we didn’t speak for three days. ta da!

The only thing I could do was gently stepped back and tell myself tales of focus, persistence and oxygen. It was my mantra for years now. As to what happened in the hospital, exceeded the dream by Far!!!

Three days later she asked me for a massage as I did to her most days, full body massage, and all came back to normal. The joys of pregnancy.  Bless you

That was the night I went to buy one pregnancy test, only to find out,,,

That I have to go to the shop again!!!!

Take a moment. Take two.

Looking at the relation between the dreams and my reality my conclusion is that, not only that they do happen but they do bring more to the table of reality than we think. we just don’t remember them. like the wishes we are told not to express because they will never happen, witch is Very Untrue. When vocalized, they happen faster. (Like; i wish mummy and daddy stop shouting at each other. if you doing it , there and then you will stop, will you not?)  Back to the dream, simple reason for the extra [potency of reality is that when we dream we dream by ourselves and for ourselves. Until we train, it always is our point of view. Ones most important issue is ones health well being and imagination that births ideas. Yet your reality on another hand consists of a dream of more than just yours. It means your parents, grandparents so on and forth, genetically speaking, up to,,, Adam and If,,,, The holy Spirit, the Consciousness, The Energy of Life; we talk later

Parent figures and the people that we had a connection with, refer more to our psychological development. I will explore it later on

In my case, the reality of my dream, was amplified by my mother, dad, her mother and father, both grandparents as so on, as far as the memory can fetch wishes, because all parents without exception, wish for the children good life, better life than their own, to be proud of and more.

Will you agree?

I Can hear that voice of discontent inside my reading head;  Yeah what about rape dude?

It’s not easy to even think of this horrible crime. There is so much of it on this planet.

My personal response to it is to take a minute, place both of my hands on my belly where womb is and think of healing this place, that pain, breathing air into it for a minute of two or ten if it requires, often brings tears to my eyes, than I breathe some more till it feels like healing is done and I feel the love for the child, the relief and peace.

Then I breathe some more. In soul connected reality that’s one way of how healing works.

In my personal opinion the pain that happens to a woman through the monthly period is related to the pain of the past, the harm and disrespect that man had done so throughout History. His story

Her story is so much more painful, yet full of love, compassion, devotion and unconditional love where man seems to miss a lot of, in the pursuit of one thing or the other. It seems so shallow yet leads to mastery. I’ll get back to it later.

I Thank You Dear Mother for all your efforts,  your love and your strength.


                                                      Chapter four


Shortly we got to the delivery room as we slowly rushed through the maze of the corridors and corners, got into a pole position,,,

and work begun.

As it happens  throughout pregnancy, and often in the place of delivery, from the stories gathered, women get furious, angry and sometimes even violent, so very understandable considering circumstances, and the man being the obvious verbal punch bag in that moment, Me, I have received some, hmmm, blessing and  left the room. It become clear to me at that moment, that it will be safer  if I go else ware for some time.

Aisha stayed there for few hours or so, working it through on her own in quite a bit of pain as she admitted later, whilst her mum kept going back and forth to check on her.

In the meantime her sister Be, have came to the hospital so there was four of us, plus one on the way, my son.

Her upset must have come to pass, as eventually she called for me, and I have to say;

I have never waited so peacefully and patiently in my life.

There were questions and answers but inside I felt like rock

Alive Rock

Noticeable sign of a relief was visible on her face upon my arrival into the room. Midwife was there, and she was the first of three that looked after us, throughout the whole process of the delivery, and suggested the gas that she has brought a big blue bottle of, or a bath.

Both options are to help ease the pain.

The moment the word bath came out, Aisha cried out loud: Yessss

And so we spent next three or so hours in the bathroom, where I sat on the cold tiled floor. Lovely !

As we learned later on, water births are known to be the easier and more beneficial both for a baby and the mother, and children don’t have a Fear of water. Might not seem like much at first.

Fearlessness seems to be quite important factor in the evolution of a growth of a child, including pregnancy. It’s a base for the trust and all the qualities that come with it, and as the neuroscience tells us, once a connection is done, it doesn’t undo itself; trauma sticks in a mind forever. what this means is that is easier to be afraid than brave. You know it.

I’m affraid; is a common expression.  please don’t

It’s the trust or lack of it, that seems to be the main reason for brake up’s and all the cliché that affect healthy lifestyle. We seem to lose it one way or the other quite easily, (depending on the amount of patience one have before the explosion) but to regain it back it’s almost a miracle. The funniest part is that the triggers that open the Pandora box, that makes us explode with unexpressed feelings of unfulfilled dreams, hurt, disrespect or lack of kindness and sensitivity, are the smallest of things such as, a cashew nut, the last biscuit, no milk in the fridge or unanswered message.

Little pin can pop the biggest bubble of delusion.

Back to the process; The bath was a few hours of painless bliss, with the contractions still happening, but it felt like a brake. Seeing what the woman’s body does as it clenches when push happens, and the positions it takes, I can see clearly that the bath is simply too small to facilitate the birth process. There was only one bathroom on the floor of the hospital, full of birthing woman, so we had to go back to our room, and the delivery work begins again for both of us.

This time Aisha tried the Gas and very quickly decides not to use it as it was taking her mind away from focus, causing a little dizziness and giggle, as she explained it quickly.

After our experience with our sweet taxi driver we found giggling enjoyable and helpful, so I said;

Can I try?  Thinking that if it’s given to pregnant woman at birth time, must be safe.

I put the little clear plastic mask to my face and begun inhalation. With the coldness on lips and tongue, my head slowly became dizzy, and wave of relaxing coolness came all over my body, with slight metallic aftertaste, topped up with this spiraling itch in the belly that lots of us boys, experience when we meet a girl, the one that knocks us of our feet,  and we don’t know what to say, followed by the giggle on the exhale.

After the wave passed I understood why she didn’t want to use it.

Clenching your body in order to push a child out of a womb, IT IS NOT an easy task and requires focus. The gas took the focus out of my perception, (lifting an arm seemed like task and a half) and It does relax the body to the point of losing balance, and falling to the floor, if standing, in which case had happened, and made Aisha laugh out loud. It is my feeling more that a guess but for those that use the gas it can be the cause for inability to focus and have Cesarean as a result. I don’t mean to upset any mother in here.  As I said; it’s a feeling I have, based on the active observer point of a view, many conversations, and a funny test trial. Could it be linked? 

This was my introduction to a Nitrous oxide, otherwise known as Laughing gas.

Well, I wasn’t giving birth, so there was no need for me to stay focus, I thought at first, and since she laugh a lot, and that was a good thing as it does  contracts the belly muscles and aids the push mechanism, I did it again, and again and so on until,

Aisha’s sister  Be came into the room, and….

Simply joined us, and for the next hour or so we laughed to the tears, on the hospital’s delivery room, floor.  At times all three of us, as Joanna kept moving, changing positions often, and laughing with us, and to be clear, floor was a choice, not a leglesness, as the bed was just simply too small, and was used more as something to hold onto rather than delivery vessel.

As much as hysterical and odd to a degree it may have looked, as you can imagine, we did work on the breathing together, meaning I did breathe with her tempo, sometimes holding her body in my arms as we stood up, clenching and pushing together.

The feeling was  very grounded, very present, with ever breath I felt closer with her, with my son, my brothers, mother, father, my ancestry, my  friends, the cascade of the memories, dreams, blended together onto this beautiful cocktail of happiness ,and all that mattered most, The Now,  and when we breathe and clenched together to push, I Felt my son through my belly, physically there was third heart between us, and I could feel it, embracing the connection, the gift of life, I Thank you Mother.

Love and Gratitude

Charged up with excitement, anticipation and love vibration, it felt like we were coming to the grande finale. The atmosphere in the room got somehow thicker, denser it felt. Breathing was happening  faster, fuller and definitely louder. It kept growing and to my perception it was an experience of singularity of life. The whole of our existence as children, teenagers and a young woman and man is to teach and prepare us to become parents, and when that happens, a new chapter begins. I am compelled to add in here, that to most girls, at the times when you change from a girl to a young woman, and that happens at the time of the first blood, most mothers explain why blood comes out of you, explains you what period is, which tells you that you are ready, well your body is, to welcome and facilitate  another life cycle on this planet. For some girls is not the mother but older friends that helps you to understand the process, more to the point, it’s a beginning of emotional shared education, hence women are more evolved in that sens. it happens every month for most women and as each time it does, so does the conversation on the subject.  However the point here is that very few of us boys, have that kind of a chat with their fathers, or one to another, hence most of us are a bit in the dark, emotionally, and the most damaging phrase comes to ears often; Real men don”t cry!  We cut it before it has a chance to grow and heal. No wonder the world is in a bit of a mess. Lack of emotional communication and guidance, changes our thinking into assumptions. Of course I can and should speak for myself only, but the world is in the mess, and it’s not because of the Mothers. It’s the false assumptions of a Man, that Hi is stronger than a woman, just because of physical appearance. Ohhh

These are conclusions based on life long observations and are open to interactive dialogue which we have made a page for called feedback, that will be hugely appreciated and even loved, as I’am one of them; Boy growing up without much of a guidance, lack of father figure, and post-communist education that sucks.

Coming back to the time; In evolutionary terms its irrelevant what we do with the life that is given to us, yet it has at most importance to us, as an individuals, as we learned how precious it is, and what we can do with it. It is almost as if time it’s given to us, as a tool to learn by it (with time), organize with it (in Time), work with it (on time), so that we can enjoy the fruit of our efforts (time after time).

Back in the delivery room we breathe, loud and clear, fast and controlled   whoo  whoooo whoooooo whooooooo whoooooshhhhhhh   aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww  and again, and again, standing next to the bed holding Aisha in my arms minding the big bump  between us we pushed, and pushed, well i’d love to say we, but it was the mother that did all of the work. The pressure grows,  it’s  louder, sweat drips from my forhead to my eyes, she pushes Whooooo whoooo whoooossssssshhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww and it came!!

My baby was still inside the belly awaiting his jump start to the reality of ours. What did come out was a poop. Yes poop. Little thing size of little finger nail and landed on the toe of my shoe!!

Oh thanks; I thought. But Joanna dropped motionless and heavy into my arms with very loud sigh of a relief.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

And there was moment of peace and quiet relief. She has battled that little poop since we came to the hospital and the process begun, as she had admitted herself. Ten hours or so. Gosh what do we know!

After short brake and loads of giggles work begun again, but she felt much better, less disturbed, focused!

Let’s take deep breath, long and slow

And again

And again

Relaxed;  Yes

Feeling better; yes, Let’s move on.



                                                        THE  “CHI”

I have No idea what that is.

I’m 22, young man from little town in Poland, my second year in London, English is at the elementary level, and my girlfriend is giving a birth to my boy, and I’m kneeling on the hospital floor in the delivery room next to her.

Breathing deeply as she does, exhaling the air loudly as she does, to aid the creation of  pressure needed, feeling excited and focused, present with every breath, so much compassion and love for her as a woman, mother to be, for the effort and will to do this enormous task as it enfolds in front of my eyes, for the focus she shown to me, for the labor she is going through, allowing all those thoughts to run through my mind and not reacting to that overwhelming feeling of helplessness, that’s when realization of  what it means to “Be There” came, the importance of the support, and where we got it wrong as a men, assuming  that it’s a woman place there to support “us”, the hard working Man of the house. On the path to Awakening, yes. Until then we have a lot to learn, heal and overcome.

A truly “grow up” lesson out of the assumptions. If you there, I Thank you That is the path we chosen. To reach Divine Masculinity.

At the point of that realization, in the middle of the spiraling galaxy of thoughts, feelings, emotions and ideas the dream comes true. Midwife comes into the room, as she did several times throughout the time she looked after us and with the aura of calmness the pleasant and worm feeling that surrounds people, and lovely smile on her face, she said;

Well done. You are doing great. I came to check the opening.

She made me feel really happy and proud in some little way as I knew that was for both of us, but she looked into my eyes when she said it, and since I didn’t hear it much of it in my life as a young human, It brought tear to my eye, and there was that feel of a pressure and a crunch on the back of my head, accompanying by static sound that quickly grew like a headache and popped, to bring  little tear and the wave of relaxation and ease within, and that’s the feeling of the inner salvation, the inner healing, the child within a man got healed, one wound less, as i came to understand. Realization of the importance of “Being There” and the meaning of being supported came again. So much love . Thank you.  Life is such a wonderful process. Lesson after a lesson.

Aum ma ne pe me aum.

Then  the midwife, puts the latex glove on her right hand, with the common picture of a stretch and slap of a rubber, at the release, and came to Joanna and put two fingers into vagina and said;

-Three centimeters; I can feel the head

Those words hit me like a hummer metaphorically speaking, and made me compelled to do this myself

And so I did. As/if you can imagine or have experience of, the head being there to come out first, the place I touched was the fontanelle, place on top of the baby’s head that doesn’t have the bone yet to protect the brain, which means that between tip of my finger and my sons brain was very thin layer of skin, and at that moment unexpected had happened.

This feeling, sensation/energy started to grow. Like a  wave very slowly started feeling up my body, from the tips of my fingers, through wrist, elbow, shoulder, filled my chest, then belly, through the hips to the legs, knees, to the tips of my toes, and then bounced back again with quite a tingling sensation, very distinct like a hit of the bell, and the vibration started moving upwards, still very slowly allowing me to feel all parts of my body even my blood flaw, which I have never felt  to this magnitude before , and when it reached the top of my head, the very same point where my fingers were touching my sons skull, it touched my awareness or rather opened it, with sudden feeling of a pineal gland peen pricked,  like as if it was touched by an object, and two hemispheres of a brain started connecting rapidly, creating new pathways to think, perceive, see and imagine, to feel and experience, to a point where the light in the room seemed to have brightened and sparkled, almost as a glowing halo have appeared above my head , the very one I have seen on the pictures of a saints in the church when I was there as a young man looking for an answers. Never found them there, but In here, in this moment they were coming. The time had slowed down, and everything internally and externally had been taken to another level of depth. So it is clear what I mean, my heart beat felt like a thunder that was not scary but filled with life giving force,  shaking my body with the vibration like the biggest bell you can imagine, in the life maintaining rhythm. By the time of the second circle of the wave my fingers had left the vagina and after getting of my knees and straightening my body the dance begun. Very Flawly,( slowly with the rhythm) my body started to move like it wanted to show me something. The first thing that was very unavoidable to perceive was the magnet between my hands, as it is closer to picture and understand the meaning of it. It is the magnetic feeling that exists, it is the Gravity of life, the very same gravity that holds solar system together and the galaxy as science tells us, the same gravity that holds our beloved mother earth in specific place/distance from sun to keep water in liquid form so life can exists and evolve, the same gravity that holds us here, providing that we keep on spinning suspended in space, the very gravity that holds the very thin layer of pressurized oxygen, air in place called atmosphere so that evolved life can breathe, the same gravity that pulls two people together so they can fall in love and have children. That very magnetic feeling was now sort of pushing my hands that were not together but little apart, like holding a balloon size of the head, from right and to the left flowly, in circular motion like figure of eight pattern, my hands were swaying pulling the body into that motion with the center of balance at my pelvis that seem to have connected with a core of the planet and it felt like my body have grown roots. My perception of it all was that everything was happening very slow, but that was the point of awareness that was sharpened and deepened all the senses, whilst within me, my heart was pumping the blood and I could feel that thunder of a force, like a tectonic plates moving, inhaling the precious oxygen as needed, and all the meanwhile the spectacle of awakening was being observed and experienced, the midwife was standing on the side of us, and I could feel her smiling. Perhaps she enjoyed seeing me being struck by this beautiful moment and how nice we worked together and she asked or rather, offered me the pleasure to receive my boy as hi inevitably be joining us soon, on this planet in new body, saying:

Would you like take your baby out when it comes.

With very clear, rutted, calm and in controlled voice I answered: Yes

At this point my Dream came true.

From the first moment, that moment when the big belly shown itself to me on the body of this beautiful woman I knew this was my path, I knew this in my heart, I was sure this would happen, I have seen it and now I am here and my son is about to arrive into my arms.

Than the midwife steps back, I believe, thinking; it’s all safe here, making the way or rather giving us a space to maneuver, as we moved a lot, adding;

You have to be careful when the body comes out. The head comes out first, face down and it will turn and then you have to catch the body as it very quickly comes out after the head. It will happen soon, she explained.

With the big smile on my face I answered; don’t worry. I’m a juggler, and I’m good at catching.

She smiled and kept watching the whole process silently. Bless her. Till today the gratitude that I feel towards her, pushes tears to my eyes.  Almost two decades later. Thank you!!!

Was it luck that out of three midwifes the last one was from Tasmania on student exchange program, and over there is natural that parents do this themselves so it all came to be as natural as it could or should be. Six months earlier we had an argument on the subject when I wanted to suggest the possibility of it, based on the dream I had about this moment.

Gosh, life feels so good when dream comes alive, there is me thinking that whilst dancing the energy dance, filled with gratitude to life, to my woman as she pushes my son out of her, into this world.  We were standing by that time, as Aisha felt like it would be a good idea to stand up when we looked at each other, as undoubtedly in the midst of the task of such focus she watched me and knew what just had happened. Perhaps she didn’t have clue as to what was going on inside me and of course you silly, she is the one giving the birth, but she knew what was going on externally and internally with me, as she was the spiritual one when we met and she was the one that opened my eyes to this vocabulary, people and places, music and vibration, which for I was very grateful for, am very grateful still, and will be till the end of this cycle, death. Thank you Aisha. Love you very much and always will.

She was familiar with Thai Chi dance that just happened.  Just happened?  Nothing ever “Just” happens. In this particular situation it was a message/gift that I was lucky to have notice, followed and received.

Divine intervention its a description i’d like to use

I could only imagine how she felt, but I have seen the pain in her eyes and the power of  focus she kept, aiding her with my breathing as much as I could as soon as she summoned me into the birthing room. As we stood in what seemed like the last of the birthing labor, me holding her gently so she is comfortable to move as she needs to, the waves of the energy ware still flowing through my body, top to toes, and I could direct it at her so we would breathe as one, with the hands moving forwards as if I was pushing something out of me with the breath and retracting them on the inhale, with this very present and pleasant feeling of focus. It was almost as if  moving object with the Jedi power of the mind, but instead was the Chi, life giving force.

Than holding hands again.

This flaw was just growing moving through, clicking all my bones, I learned osteopathy, relaxing all the tension it was ashtanga yoga, till the end of a pushing labor, when the head started to appear between the legs, that’s when we were on the floor again, observing this common miracle as this little circle of a head begins to appear, where one life comes out of another, Gosh i couldn’t see clear as the tears ware distorting the field of vision, heart was pumping so strong that it felt like very good tekno, where blood flaw sounded like a good rapid kayakig spot, and the colours started appearing due to excess oxygen intake, and when the head came out, the moment of peace filled the room and all become silent and still.

The slow turn of the head mentioned by the lovely midwife happened, and sluurrrrp and hi was in my hands. My boy was finally here,  and my juggling hands gently mowed the beautiful little pink wet body head upwards, comfortably positioning his body in front of me. In total silence I was crying my eyes out. I cried and sweat so much that my trousers were wet and have become uncomfortable at times, like now, and I had to jiggle myself to be able to sit cross-legged. I wish i was naked. As I did the jiggle my son had throw up the liquid from his lungs and his little beautiful nose, and when I stopped moving, become still and calm, hi took his first breath, which I could feel through my fingers, open his eyes and looked directly into mine. What came next, blew my heart and my head right open, and took years of research and study to be able to describe it.

The Time Had stopped.



4 thoughts on “Chapter ONE – water brakes”

  1. Thank you my friend for sharing ! It is like music when we read it ! Hope to hear some more soon !
    And guess what we are going to have a baby next month !
    Looking forward to meet again soon !

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *